Scared, but not as much.

In my last post Scared I talked about how scary it seems to me to try to pick up the paintbrush again and paint after an almost 40 year hiatus.  Art often involves putting yourself out there and expressing personal emotions and while it still seems scary, today it’s not as scary as it was a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve been doing some thinking about what is holding me back and where the fear comes from.  The most obvious one to me is:

CRITICISM
Probably my number one fear – along with its friends rejection and shame.  I have struggled with trying to fit in my entire life.  We moved on average every 2 years when I was growing up which left me having to fit in with a new group of peers sometimes every year.  When I was young, fitting in wasn’t as hard – younger kids seems to be more accepting than older.  But, as I got older, the cliques formed and I was always the outsider – no one wanted to accept the “new kid”.  (One exception was in high school, but that’s another post).  Immediately I felt labeled and unable to fit in.  I began to feel “not good enough” – a feeling that haunts me to this day.

unclean2

Critical parents didn’t help with this feeling – I never felt like I measured up to their standards.  There was always something I should have been doing better, but that something was never defined.  That led to a lot of ambiguity.   I lost myself during those years trying to be someone else who would hopefully fit.  That didn’t work so I tried to be myself – whoever that was – and found that didn’t work either.   For a long time I was a doormat.  Apparently nobody liked the real me either.  To this day I am confused about myself.  I have had people I thought were my friends drop me like a hot potato and I don’t know why.  One day they were my friends, the next it was like I had the plague.  I feel a lot of shame – why don’t they like me anymore?  What did I do? Why am I never enough?  Which leads to a lot of negative self talk.  I’m too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too whatever.  I feel like I’m on the outside even when I’m in a group.  I feel invisible like I’m not even there.  And it hurts.  I hate feeling left out.  So, the idea of painting – an expression of self that will leave me open to criticism is scary.

Many of the people I would like to have as friends feel more like acquaintances – there is a wall that keeps them on one side and me on the other.  I honestly don’t reach out much anymore.  So, I continue to think and think and think some more.  I continue to keep to myself and watch life go by from the outside.  Maybe that’s just my lot in life – I don’t know.  There sure is a lot that I see going on though that makes me long for what I see others experiencing – I hope it’s not a false perception, but even that’s crossed my mind!

OTHER THINGS
These are things that are pretty trivial, but sometimes daunting because the solution isn’t always easy – time, money for supplies, a place in which to create, the right mind set, etc. These are things that are easier to work on, but can sometimes be hard to accomplish too because support is lacking.

In the meantime I continue to knit and crochet, outlets for some of my creative energy that are soothing and help me focus for awhile.  I have a very ADD brain… squirrel!

squirrel

Oh – and I painted a rock… it’s a start.

cat rock.jpg

 

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jaimehaneyartist
    Aug 13, 2017 @ 23:12:44

    I understand the feeling of being left out or being on the outside looking in. I think a lot of us feel that way. However, that does not seem to make any of us feel better does it?

    Please know that these negative feelings are not impossible to get over. I think our group at Stac Gallery is a great place to start coming out of the negative and into the positive of your life.

    I love your kitty rock, keep your creativity going and put that brush to canvas finally to get over your block… it will all come back to you and feel like putting on an old, soft and comfy sweater. I look forward to seeing you again at the Lunch and Learn!

    Reply

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