Deerfly Patches…

I get a lot of catalogs in the mail – some I like, others fall into the what were you thinking sending this to me catagory.   Some make me wonder who on earth thinks up the things found in them.  Which brings me to todays post.  The latest catalog from “your friends in the Great Northwoods,” The Boundary Waters Catalog from Ely, Minnesota made it to my mailbox this week.  If you’re into camping and canoeing, it’s a great catalog filled with all kinds of stuff related to being in the great outdoors and dealing with all the things that come with it.  Enter the Tred-Not Deerfly Patches – a best seller according to the ad.

Guaranteed to “stop those annoying deerflies dead in their tracks”.  Granted, they are nasty, biting pests that are a nusiance when trying to enjoy the outdoors but as I read the copy, my imagination took off on a slightly different track…

Stop Biting Deerflies!

  • Just stick the deerfly patches to the back of a cap or hat.  (Notice that this cap wearer didn’t follow the instructions and stuck it to the FRONT of his cap…)  Deerflies are found from May to September in most marshy and wooded areas and up here in the Boundary Waters they like to hide out in the shade and then swarm around your head before they pounce and bite. WE DON’T LIKE THEM.  These patches stick to the top of a hat and trap the nasty bugs in their tracks. One patch generally lasts a day. Non-toxic, chemical-free and odorless. Not recommended for long hair that might blow around and get trapped on the patch’s special adhesive. Only apply to top of hat, as other spots on clothing don’t work, the bugs aspire to lofty places. Pack of 12 flesh-colored patches.
  • What caught my attention first were the words “not recommended for long hair that might blow around and get trapped on the patch’s special adhesive” – ladies this product ain’t for you unless your hair is short, so you’re just going to have to live with getting eaten alive by these pests.    And if your hair can get caught on them, what else might get stuck there?  Small, angry birds?  Feisty squirrels?  Fishing lures?   And then “only apply to top of hat, as other spots on clothing don’t work…” what?  Why not?  I mean, if they work for deerflies, what about regular flies?  And mosquitoes for heaven’s sake?  I mean, if I’m going out to do battle with the insects, I want to stop all of them in their tracks!  I can see it now… walking into the local bait and tackle… George behind the counter saying something like ” hey, there – what’s with all them sticky traps stuck all over your clothes?”  Me – “This?  Why this is my new, patented ‘stop ’em dead in their tracks insect defense system’ ”  George – “Really?  How’s it work?”  “Simple, ” I say – “just go out and buy yourself a case of insect sticky traps and apply them liberally to the outside of your clothes.  Bugs stick to ’em and never get the chance to annoy or bite you.”  “Huh,” says George, “who’d a thunk it.  By the way what’s that buzzin’ sound I hear?”  “Oh, that?  Well, sometimes just their feet get stuck so they spend a lot of time trying to get free – you get used to the little screams for help after awhile.”

    And the flesh coloring?  I guess that so your sticky trap covered self won’t stand out so much whenever you walk into a store or restaurant after a day in the woods covered with the carcasses of winged creatures who were only hours before “aspiring to lofty places.”


    1 Comment (+add yours?)

    1. Chris
      Apr 06, 2011 @ 09:58:23

      This is too funny!! And no way you could knit with these attached, your yarn would get caught. Good to see you blogging again.


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