My spot…

I have a spot – a spot in Northern Michigan by Lake Michigan  that I have decided to call my own as I need a place I can go to, even if it is just mentally, to regain my sanity.  I have physically been to this spot several times, but only this year did I decide to call it mine.  If I could, I’d move there permanently as it is a place where I can find peace.  Standing on the shore I can look out over the lake, feel the wind brushing against my skin, hear the waves slapping at the shore and let go.  Let go of the all the pain, all the anguish, the stress, the madness of life.  Believe me – this past year has been a mad one!  Between unemployment, job hunting, working at a job I disliked but that kept me off of unemployment, having to deal with the whole government unemployment system anyway, etc., I had had enough.  I can honestly say that I understand now why people choose suicide – somedays it actually made sense.  When you get that hopeless…  well…

So, when I stood there this time, I felt like I had come to a place where I could let it all go and I did – I cryed and just let it all go and then I sat there and let the wind blow and the waves come and go until I could take a deep breath and know it was all going to be OK.

In the back of my mind though, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay forever – I would have to go sooner or later.  What to do?  It’s a 12 hour drive to get to this place – not like I can walk to it or drive to it whenever I want.  But I realized I needed this place – REALLY needed this place.  How could I take it with me and be able to go to it whenever I needed?  I decided to take a picture – a picture of me sitting on the shore (even though you can only see my knees) and looking out over the lake.  So now, I can hold the picture up and imagine myself there and let things go.  Not as good as the real thing, but close.

I decided I needed something physical to connect me to the place too and since the shore there is very rocky, I looked around a found a small stone, with streaks of pink, black and white – quartz maybe? – one that had been polished by the waves and sand until it was smooth.  Small enough that I can put it in my pocket and no one knows that it’s there.  I can reach in any time now and touch a reminder of my spot – feel the smoothness that only the constant action of water and sand can achieve and let a little stress go.

Which is a good thing – the madness has returned – the job I had hunted for and hoped for came to pass 5 months ago and now is no more.  I was told “it isn’t working out”.  What?  Why was I given a glowing appraisal at my performance review if whatever “it” is wasn’t working out?  When I asked “can you please tell me why you’re letting me go?”  I got the same response “it’s just not working out?”  I’ve been fired for no good reason!  I loved the job, the people, you name it.  I looked forward to going to work, enjoyed what I was doing and I can’t imagine what the justification for this is!  I’m in a state of shock I know – and the dread of having to job hunt again is overwhelming – I just don’t know if I can do this again so soon!  I don’t want to do this again so soon!

I need my spot – really, really, need my spot……….


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