Scared

canvas

This is the scariest thing I’ve seen in a long time.  I am literally unable to start – I don’t know where to begin.  I haven’t picked up a paint brush or a pencil in over 35 years.  So I just stare at it… clueless.

So, I start to ask myself why.  Why does this scare me?  Why can’t I just “do it”?  And lots of reasons come to mind.  Fear of failure, fear of criticism, what if I’m not able to paint or draw anymore, what if, what if, what if…  Where do I start?  What should I paint?  Why is this so hard?

I have wanted to get back to my fine arts roots for a very long time.  I got derailed early – right after college and it seems like I just can’t get back.  I’ve tried a few times, but obstacles keep putting themselves in the way.  How to remove the obstacles?  Not sure.

So – what happened?  My major in college was painting and drawing.  The 2 local universities had fine art departments but at the time I thought I wanted to go into commercial art.  That seemed to be where all the jobs were and I wanted to be able to make a living after college.  Neither school had a commercial art program so I knew I would need to attend a school that did if I was to get a degree in that field.  Since my parents were paying for my education I talked to them about it and they initially agreed that if I was accepted somewhere then I could go.  Got my portfolio together, sent it out into the world and after several rejections, I was accepted at a school in Ohio.  I would only need an additional year and a half of classes to earn my degree.  I thought I was on my way.  Then for reasons I still don’t know, my parents jerked the carrot away.  No, I could not go.  I never got a satisfactory answer as to why not.  So, I graduated from the school I was currently attending, adding business classes that seemed to fit with my desire to work commercially and I settled.  I did the best I could.  Now – backing up a bit – during my senior year I became engaged.  My parents did not like him.  Not one bit – but never really said why.  I couldn’t see any reason not to marry him, so we made all the plans to get married a few months after I graduated.  1 week before the day I said “I do”, the carrot returns – “if you agree not to marry this guy, you can go to that art school after all”.  I was stunned – why now?  Obviously they thought this was the only way to get me to not get married.  Really?

I was very confused – everything was paid for – would my parents really just throw all that money away?  I didn’t think so.  Money was always an issue around our house.  My $40 wedding dress was too expensive.  I ran the idea by my fiance – would you mind waiting another year so I could get my degree?  Nope.  He wasn’t for that idea at all. Either we get married now or we wouldn’t get married at all.  (Should have listened to my gut at this point).  So I did what I thought was my only option – got married.  Turned out to be a bad idea – he left after I paid off all his pre-marriage debts (which were huge) to go back home to live with his parents.  There were other things, but I won’t get into that here.

So – he fled to another state, left me with the lawyer fees and car payment – both of which he was supposed to take care of and which forced me to take a second job.  Working a full time and part time job left me with no time for anything else and the paints dried up, the pads of paper got ruined when the water heater in my apartment leaked and it all had to be thrown out.  Over 5 years pass.  Met and married my second husband but even though I only had to work 1 job full time, there still did not seem to be time to pursue anything artistic.  So much time had passed – my confidence waned.  My brushes, which for some reason kept, sat on a shelf collecting dust.  I guess I gave up.

Fast forward to now.  I still really want to paint and draw again.  Despite everything that has happened, I long to do it.  But I’m scared… I don’t know where to start.  In a way this seems rather odd because after an almost 30 year hiatus I took up playing the oboe again because I missed it – for whatever reasons this did not seem so intimidating or scary.  I’ve been playing for over 10 years now and love it!  Even took up a second instrument to boot – the English Horn.  If I can do that, why the hesitation to paint again?  Should I audit a class at the university?  Take a class at a local studio that offers them?  Dive in?  It all seems daunting.  And right now I don’t know what to do.

Frustration Part 2…

I appreciate the comments on my last post – but am frustrated once again because I can’t see them on my site!  Nor can I find the post on Facebook.  AND I don’t know how to change that despite searching on Facebook and WordPress for an answer!  So in addition to being frustrated, there is also being aggravated, vexed (thank you to whoever suggested this one), irritated, disgruntled, absolutely maddening, sheer insanity (not the exercise regimen), and the list goes on and on.

What aggravates me most is that the majority of what happens is totally out of my control.  I can do something about anything that falls within my control, but other than deal with how I respond to situation I can’t do much else.  It’s like walking out the door only to be barraged with snowballs – unending snowballs.

snowball

I don’t know… I guess I am tired of having to deal with my responses to these situations instead of having them not happen in the first place.  It eats up so much time that could be spent doing what I set out to do in the first place!  And if you know how I can fix the problems mentioned above, I’d appreciate your suggestions.  I am NOT computer savvy – another source of great aggravation!

Frustration…

frus·tra·tion
frəˈstrāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.
    “I sometimes feel like screaming with frustration”
    synonyms: exasperationannoyanceangervexationirritation

    • an event or circumstance that causes one to have a feeling of frustration.
      plural noun: frustrations
      “the inherent frustrations of assembly line work”
  2. the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfillment of something.
    “the frustration of their wishes”
    synonyms: thwarting, defeatprevention, foiling, blocking, spoiling, circumvention, forestalling, disappointmentderailment

    According to the dictionary.

    I struggle to deal with frustration – there seems to be so much of it lately and all I want to do is throw in the towel and call it quits.  When it seems like all I do is bang my head on the wall, it’s easy to think this way.  I keep forging ahead but I feel like I’m swimming in mud, against the current, neck deep…

    frustration

    So how do we talk about what’s frustrating us without those around accusing us of “whining”?  I find THAT frustrating as well!  Sometimes you just need to vent, get it off your chest, scream, yell or whatever, but when you do the world starts telling you to “suck it up, put your big girl panties on and deal with it or stop whining”.  Why are we not allowed to express our frustrations without being made to feel guilty about it?  I get tired of always having to put on happy face when I feel anything but.  Life can be so unfair at times and it can feel like every time you stand up after being pushed down you get pushed down yet again.  And again… and again…

    So what do you do?  Do others accuse you of whining when all you want to do is just have someone listen so you can get it off your chest and maybe help you see things in a different light?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

So… it’s been a while

Yeah, I know… I’ve said it before and this time it’s been 3 years.  Insecurity keeps me from jumping in writing on a more regular basis.  I think that nobody will really be interested in what I have to say.  But I’ll give it a try again.

So – what’s up?  Today I’m trying to give my bazaar set up a make over as it looks boring, boring, boring this year.  I have a new tent with a white top and combined with the white table covers makes my display look sterile.  I don’t think I’m displaying my goods to their best advantage either.  I am trying to do this with things I already have on hand – between left over shop displays and fiber fest set up materials I think I can do it.  My biggest problem is keeping it simple.  I’m prone to over doing it.  My other problem – procrastination… I’m prone to that, too.  Am I working on my set up?  No… I’m writing a blog!

If they would have had ADD, ADHD and all those other designations back when I was in grade school I’m sure they would have put me on meds.  I’m not hyperactive, but I am very easily distracted.  Somehow I managed to make it through school with decent grades without them (except for that sewing class in 7th grade – that’s another story) and in spite of a 2nd or 3rd grade teacher telling my parents and the school principle I was “retarded”.  This was back when you could still use that label.  She humiliated me in front of my classmates because I did not finish a handout on time and sent me to the principles office.  I cried.  I was already suspect with my classmates because I was the new kid – having moved there in the middle of the school year and that just gave them all the more reason to give me a hard time.  It was a miserable year.  The teacher did not want me in her classroom, even after testing showed there was nothing  wrong with me, I was just ahead of the other students.  Back then there were no advanced classes or programs for gifted and talented kids.  I was just bored.

I think boredom can be a problem for most creative people.  Our minds tend to wander all over the place looking for that next bit of inspiration or that tantalizing new technique to try.  At one time or another I’ve tried all kinds of creative outlets – painting, drawing, ceramics, jewelry making, stained glass art, journaling, card making, quilting, weaving, knitting, print making, crochet, netting, embroidery, beading, counted thread work, dyeing, spinning – you get the idea.  I am constantly lured by pretty colors of yarn, heck, pretty colors and patterns of just about everything!  My mind loves to wander – which is not always a good thing.  It’s like a computer with too many tabs open at one time and I have a hard time concentrating on any one thing.  I get anxious and depressed when I can’t focus and get something done.  I am trying to spin too many plates.  I have tried to become more disciplined in recent years weeding out the excess outlets and focusing on what I can do and love to do in the space that I have available.  But it’s hard – I want to do it all even though I know I can’t.  I could, but I wouldn’t be doing anything well and that’s important to me too.  I want to do what I do well.

 

Cha… Cha… Cha… Changes…

Looks like it’s job hunt time once again – sigh… I dislike hunting for jobs – I really do. The job market around here is so very bad unless you’re a truck driver, nurse or have production and manufacturing skills. I qualify for none of those so what to do. Need to put my thinking cap on and see if there is something I can do that uses the skills I have and would love to use to make a career out of.

Yeah, it’s been a while…

Sometimes I think I’ve got nothing to say and so keep my thoughts to myself.  So, while you’re waiting, if you’re waiting…

back soon

Depression Lies…

If you or a loved one suffer from depression – watch this video by Jenny.

http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/#comment-179703

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